Retirement: World's longest coffee break.
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My only hobby is laziness, which naturally rules out all others.
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If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
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My alarm tells me you're in my house. My gun tells me not for long.
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Paradise is not a place, it's a state of mind.
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Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking.
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Those who wish to sing, always find a song.
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People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
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Good girls go to Heaven. Bad girls go to Vegas.
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Don't worry about people who don't worry about you.
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Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.
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Pile up enough tomorrows and you'll end up with nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays.
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Tact carries a bunch of curiously-fashioned keys, that open all kinds of doors.
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The British Harbinger, April 1, 1870
We'll be friends until we're old and senile, then we'll be new friends.
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Adventures are for the adventurous.
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Never try to destroy someone else's life with a lie when yours can be destroyed with the truth.
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Sincerity is not to say everything you think but to mean everything you say.
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You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
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A liberal is a socialist with a wife and two children.
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If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons.
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