American comedian (1894-1974)
A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
JACK BENNY
The Jack Benny Program
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
JACK BENNY
The Jack Benny Program
Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
JACK BENNY
The Reader's Digest, 1941
There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.
JACK BENNY
The Jack Benny Program
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
JACK BENNY
attributed, The Harper Book of Quotations
I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.
JACK BENNY
The Jack Benny Program
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
JACK BENNY
attributed, Return of the Portable Curmudgeon
When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
JACK BENNY
The Jack Benny Program
A cannibal is a guy who goes in the restaurant and orders the waiter.
JACK BENNY
attributed, "Jack Benny's Greatest Routines", Legacy
I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
JACK BENNY
The Jack Benny Program
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
JACK BENNY
attributed, The Best of American Jewish Humor
Modesty is my best quality.
JACK BENNY
The Jack Benny Program
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air.
JACK BENNY
attributed, Sportswit
Gags die, humor doesn't.
JACK BENNY
attributed, The Ultimate Book of Quotations
MARILYN MONROE: What about the difference in our ages?
JACK: Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine.
MARILYN MONROE: I know, Jack. But what about twenty-five years from now when I'm fifty and you're thirty-nine?
JACK: Gee, I never thought of that.
JACK BENNY
The Jack Benny Program
MUGGER: Your money or your life. (long, awkward pause) Look bud. I said, your money or your life.
JACK: I'm thinking it over!
JACK BENNY
The Jack Benny Program
I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.
JACK BENNY
The Jack Benny Program
WAITER: [serving Jack's drink] ... and one Shirley Temple.
JACK: [sips drink] Wait a minute! You put Scotch in this Shirley Temple!
WAITER: She's a big girl, now.
JACK BENNY
The Jack Benny Program
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.
JACK BENNY
attributed, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Great Quotes for All Occasions