HUMOROUS QUOTES II
funny quotes & quotations
Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50.
ANDREW DICE CLAY
stand-up routine
A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night.
JIMMY FALLON
The Tonight Show, January 25, 2018
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
CHRIS ROCK
stand-up routine
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
BILLY CONNOLLY
"These Are the 75 Funniest Quotes of All Time", Reader's Digest
Researchers just unveiled a robot that can play Scrabble. It's pretty realistic. It even gets bored halfway through and stops playing.
JIMMY FALLON
The Tonight Show, March 12, 2018
When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed.
SCOTT ADAMS
Dogbert
It's been "one of those days" for like 3 years now.
ANONYMOUS
You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100.
WOODY ALLEN
attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
MARK TWAIN
Mark Twain's Notebook
Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world's lamest Ghostbuster. I am not afraid of no leaves.
JIMMY FALLON
The Tonight Show
I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.
DEMETRI MARTIN
stand-up routine
Life has never given me lemons. It has given me anger issues, anxiety, a love for alcohol and a serious dislike for stupid people. But not lemons.
ANONYMOUS
Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.
DEMETRI MARTIN
attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes
If no one ever took risks, Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor.
NEIL SIMON
attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes
Golf ... combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.
P.J. O'ROURKE
Modern Manners
I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.
ANONYMOUS
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
OSCAR WILDE
Lord Arthur Savile's Crime
Climate change could eventually wipe out crops like strawberries and grapes. Even worse, that means edible arrangements will soon be 100 percent cantaloupe.
JIMMY FALLON
The Tonight Show, March 8, 2018
Hey, train wreck, this isn't your station.
ANONYMOUS
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG
attributed, The Ultimate Book of Quotations